Fango Watchin’ Stuff: Jersey Shore

Ok, you all knew this was coming. Finally, a series that speaks to the Fang. Ah, to be young again. Frankly, I’m surprised that it took MTV this long to figure out the perfect storm for what the network routinely toils in – youth, self indulgence, sex, fighting (both verbal and fisticuffs), and the holy grail of reality TV, the walk-off – look no further than where yours truly spends his summers, the Jersey Shore.

The formula is simple: take a couple of Guidos and Guidettes and stuck ‘em in house and give them all jobs at a t-shirt store the size of a sweat shop in Indonesia. “What do I have to do to get you in a ‘MILF Hunter’ shirt today, sir?”

Let’s start with the broads - Angelina, from Staten Island, NY. This sassy, in your face, tart with diarrhea of the mouth got her guinea ass tossed before I even knew her name for sure, already delivering on the aforementioned walk-off.

J-Woww the second w is apparently for whore because somewhere in the second episode, she cheats on her boyfriend and gives a weepy repent into the ass of a duck (for some reason the lone phone in the apartment is shaped like a duck. It took these ding-dings half an hour for them to figure out that it was a phone).

If there was to be a patron saint of the house, it may have to be Sammy “Sweethart”, the house poet laureate who only muses on the positive side of things and breaks hearts like she breaks acrylic nails opening beer cans.

Finally there’s my favorite, Nicole, otherwise known as “Snooki”. Her life’s pursuit is to find the Guido of her dreams and she goes from gym to gym stalking her prey like a hungry, feral cat may stalk a discarded piece of rotisserie chicken. She has also been the attention of some national news because she decided to get into the face of the wrong douche bag gym teacher.

Now for the dudes – We’ll start with DJ Pauly D. Perhaps the finest example of a “blow-out” haircut on the Eastern Seaboard sits atop Pauly’s head. Pauly is the house artist and his wheels of steel and accompanying equipment are a monument to Italian nationalism – the flag is on every piece of equipment he owns. God bless you, Pauly.

Then there’s Ronnie. This juice head lost his neck sometime back in the early 2000s but he may have the most sound philosophy of any one member in the house, “don’t fall in love on the Jersey Shore.” He should heed his own advice because he can’t stop himself from putting his dick all over Sammy. This romance may be doomed but this hopeless romantic listens to his steroid addled heart.

Vinny calls himself a natural entertainer and a mamma’s boy. I personally think he’s on the show because they needed a Vinny. He has yet to do anything interesting except for trying to bone his boss’s wife.

And finally there’s my favorite, Mike, “The Situation”. Ok, Mike, I know I’ve only watched a few episodes but it seems that the only “Situation” you seem to be getting yourself in involves only almost getting laid. Even when you had Snooki in the hot tub and she was screaming “fuck me in the fucking ass!” at the top of her lungs into a bottle of Brut, you failed to seal the deal.

With the season fairly young, I look forward to watching the rest of the series with my own hopes for each one of these complex characters. From when the taxi picks “The Situation” up for his weekly visit to the VD clinic to when Snooki gets popped in the face by a fat chick, I’ll be watching on the edge of my leopard print La-Z-Boy praying for God to make me fifteen years younger so I can audition to be part of next year’s cast.