Point/Counterpoint: Billy Lee v. Jimmy Lee

I Was Clearly Misguided When I Trusted You To Scale That Ladder And Retrieve My Chain

Remember the Level Two junkyard, when I took on three dudes at once so you could scale that ladder and retrieve my chain? How I was left to fend for myself with a series of tornado kicks and punches to my opponents' throats? Because I do. I selflessly repelled several members of the Black Warriors street gang just so that we (emphasis on we here) could recapture vital weaponry and actually stand a chance of rescuing our common love interest, Marian.

Or have you completely forgotten what this is about, Jim?

You know what they say about hindsight. Well, right now it's pretty fuckin' crystal clear. Because I now know that when you scaled that ladder and got your grubby paws all over that chain, my chain, the chain I had to beat the shit out of a huge black dude in a leather vest to obtain, it was just too great a bounty for you to stand. All you did was stand on that platform and swing that chain around like it was your dick at a Girls Gone Wild release party.

And what happened to your brother, your twin brother, you might ask? I got the shit kicked out of me by two mohawked, neon-yellow skinned attackers, both of whom we would've destroyed if finding in tandem.

You need to get your head in the game, Jim. We still have a factory and the woods to fight through before we even step foot in the boss' lair. So I suggest you Google "brotherhood," and quick. Because I'm fuckin' sick of this shit.

***

Chains are Intimidating as Hell…Duh?

Jesus, Billy- you really need to stop watching Charmed re-runs and learn how to hold down the fort so a brother can buy some time and get into his opponents' heads. Did you forget everything Sensai Dave taught us? How Roman soldiers would bang their shields with their swords in order to instill fear in their foe? Or how the terrible sound of bagpipes spelled death for the unfortunate hoards that opposed the Scots? I don’t mean to get all History Channel: Special Weaponry on you, but did you ever think for just one second that my wicked chain swing was at least part of the reason you beat the dudes you did? My game is both mental and physical, Bill. You seem to have completely ignored the former. We bring a comprehensive battle plan to the streets or we’re no better than those goldbrickin’ dicks, Bad Dudes.


You tell me to look ahead to the boss’ lair? My eyes are on the prize. I can’t help it if you can’t handle your shit. You and I both know that the window above the ladder is host to a whole grip of those dykes with whips who come out in droves if you’re not ready. I was standing there waiting to take on the lot of them. I can’t help it if they got second thoughts at the sight of my voluminous mane and sinewy chest, as I swung the fuck out of that chain and made those warrior Gertrude Steins re-think their sexuality.

Marian is gonna hear about this. Make no mistake. If we both make it to the final boss, I have a feeling it’s gonna come down to brother vs. brother. Will our sibling bond overcome the lusty eye of Marian fair? Or will you and I battle to the death for her hand? I, for one, am ready for anything. Can you say the same?