Dear Team:
During these Troubled Economic Times scores of Americans, present company included, are parting with our valuables in reluctant, if not desperate, attempts to remain solvent. As you can imagine, there is an emotional toll that is levied each time we do so. When we deposit our Broken, Unwanted, or Mismatched Gold into one of your Convenient Pre-Paid Envelopes, we surrender to the Trained Professionals at your Secure Processing Center our memories and our connections, our triumphs and our failures, our loves lost and redeemed.
We surrender to you, the Staff Appraisers at Cash4Gold.com, our stories. Our lives.
Thus, it is with a heavy heart that I proffer for your appraisal this 2.5mm, 14kt-Gold Rope Chain With "Da Baddest Bitch" Nameplate. Enclosed please find the same.
It is at this juncture that I beg your absolution, should sentimentality color any portions of this letter. I assure you that my primary motivation in writing you today is to edify, to supplement the submission of this most exquisite of accouterments with unassailable fact. For I believe a fair and accurate valuation of this piece is in both our best interests; yours as America 's #1 Gold Buyer, and mine as an overzealous Texas Hold 'Em enthusiast with a desire to offset recent catastrophic losses.
Now, after an exhaustive review of Cash4Gold.com's Frequently Asked Questions, it is my understanding that you will determine the monetary value of this piece first by measuring (a) its weight and (b) the quality and quantity of its Precious Metal Content. You will then consider (a) and (b) in the context of the ever-fluctuating Daily Price of Gold. Objectivity shall reign supreme; human emotion will be conspicuously absent throughout the Valuation Process.
However, and at the risk of conceit, I have little doubt that upon handling the cool braids of the Rope Chain for the first time, you will be mesmerized by the luminescence of its flawless finish, the way it brightens even the darkest recesses of the Secure Processing Center . You will marvel at its heft as you adorn yourself (in private, of course, and while Senior Appraiser Jeff O'Malley is making his daily Quizno's run), amazed that a piece so fine and understated could be so substantial. You will shed a single, viscous tear as you become transfixed by your own reflection in the Employee Bathroom's full-length mirror, the Nameplate flush against your heaving bosom. You will envision yourself as the focal point of a decadent neighborhood celebration, standing before an assembly of friends and well-wishers (all enjoying sweet tea and lemon bars) as the Master of Ceremonies announces your ascension:
"It is my great honor to present to you, the Citizens of Ravenswood, Da Baddest Bitch!"
Can you believe it? You're Da Baddest Bitch! Did you ever dream this day would come?
Forgive me, for I believe I have trespassed upon my own pledge to remain judicious. Perhaps it is best that I draw this communique to a close and leave you to your handiwork, lest meanderings like the above debase the treasure before you.
I sincerely thank you in advance for the assuredly thorough and professional review to follow. It is with great aplomb that I await the results of your appraisal, one which I anticipate will yield, within 10-14 business days, a sizable payout.
Because this shit retails for $249.99. Trust me- I looked it up.
Best Regards,
Rusty Kluth
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